forgiveness can make or break a heart
by burn my mind
Summary: She'll never be able to fully forgive him. It's not because she doesn't trust him (because she does, she really really does) and it's not because she doesn't believe him (because she does, she really really does.) - Spencer Toby.


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

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i.

She'll never be able to fully forgive him. It's not because she doesn't trust him (because she does, she really really does) and it's not because she doesn't believe him (because she does, she really really does).

It's because sometimes all she sees is someone standing in her kitchen donning a black hoodie, and her heart is beating so fast and she's pleading for it to not be him but even from behind she can tell it's him. He turns around, and it feels like the life is sucked out of her. Her mouth is dry, her heart is splitting in half, her knees are weak and she wants to scream so loud that her throat breaks.

She just wants him to tell her that it's not what she thinks it is, that the black hoodie he's wearing is just a new jacket and that he's in her kitchen because he forgot something or he's going to surprise her. Not because he's evil and working against her, working against her to make her life a living hell. And then he's gone and the tears are pouring down her cheeks, and Veronica's arms are around her.

But all she sees is his face enclosed in a black hoodie and sometimes it makes her cautious. She can't go back to that, back to how she was feeling in that moment. Or the moments after. Or the _weeks _after. She'll never be able to trust him one hundred percent and that's _okay_.

ii.

She wants to help him find out what happened to his mother. She really truly does. She wants him to know the truth, hell, _she _wants to know the truth. She just hates that it's just another unsolved mystery, in another dangerous playing field.

She also hates how A's the one leading this little expedition, passing out clues. Clues that could mean _nothing_, clues that could get them in trouble. They'll always just be A's little puppets, held by a thin string. She's scared that everything's just a set up, something for A to get back at Toby with. To destroy him because he was playing with her, or him.

She wants to quit the search, to shove this mystery underneath a carpet and to never speak of it again. Or at least until a few other mysteries are solved and the two of them can gain reliable sources. Then she would be all for finding out what _really _happened to Marion.

But for now she just wants to let it go, she just wants Toby to be _safe_. For all she knows he could end up dead in an alleyway, or in the woods, and she has a _very _vivid image of what _that _looks like. Or he could just be so terribly heartbroken that it'll break her. She doesn't want either one to happen, and yet she knows he'll be heartbroken until the day he finds out what really happened.

iii.

They've gotten into fights before. They _always _get into fights, they vary each time. But, she's really, really, _really _worried that they might not recover from this one. They've been through so much that this fight might be the last straw. But then they've been through _so _much, why should one fight break it all?

Surprisingly it had nothing to do with A, or Marion. It had to do with the _future_. An acceptance letter from uPenn had arrived in the mail, apologizing that one declining her acceptance had been sent out. (We had typed out the wrong name \ We're very sorry for the mistake \ We had sent it to the wrong address.) She can't help thinking that her parents had something to do with it. Money _does _talk.

One minute they had been perfectly fine. Spencer had been studying and Toby had been on the phone with Emily. One minute everything had been total bliss. Toby had hung up with Emily, and they talked briefly about upcoming exams and Toby had asked if she had gotten an acceptance letter yet. She had forgotten to tell him about the little letter that had declined her acceptance.

And then, she didn't know what was happening honestly. The two of them were screaming at each other, because neither wanted to do the long distance relationship thing. And when Toby suggested coming up with her to uPenn, she had claimed that she wanted a _fresh start_. Toby had taken it the wrong way, seeing it as if she didn't want to be with him anymore. Or something like that.

And she was too proud to admit that it wasn't what she had meant. Too proud to say that it was wrong, or she was wrong. She was honestly confused by this point. The only thing that was making sense were her shouts and throwing back in his face that he had betrayed her.

(again and again and again.)

And neither one would care each other. Neither one would call to say sorry, or to talk. Or anything. She thinks it might really be over this time, for good.

iv.

They make up because it can't ever really be the end. And the fight was stupid anyway, and everything is fixed and happy and perfect. Until the holiday's are over, and it's time for university.

She wants to go back to that happy state, they'd figured out what had happened to Marion. Murder, _Mrs. fucking DiLaurentis_, who it turned out had had a long complicated history with Marion. A and Alison had been left unknown, but A had started dying down. If only for a little bit because the day Spencer stepped foot on uPenn's campus, they had come back flying full force into Spencer's life.

They'd decided to skip the conversation on the future, not wanting everything to end up in a big messy fight and tear stained cheeks. Instead, they had simply agreed to Toby visiting her up at uPenn, and Spencer visiting him in Rosewood.

And it turns out to be _okay_. Until they start missing each other so much they swear their hearts are going to explode.

v.

He proposes three times in total.

The first time had been when they were making out, fingers clumsily popping buttons out of his shirt and hands roaming down her sides.

"Marry me," He breathes and he freezes. He hadn't brought a ring last week, had been trying to practice the perfect speech, was going to take her out for dinner and playing scrabble and making it adorably cheesy and instead he had uttered those two words seven letters out into the thin air.

That _wasn't _apart of his plan.

And before Spencer can reply he smashes his lips against hers and decides to pretend like he didn't say anything.

The second time was planned, three weeks later, the whole accident proposal out of his mind. He's actually _nervous_, even though Emily, whom he had told, who told Aria _and _Hanna, (he's really lucky that Spencer hadn't found out by now.) had told him that she would say yes.

Spencer's exactly fourteen minutes late, she looks totally worn out and tired and she's not in the greatest mood. When he asks her about it, she brushes him off with a scowl and a _I don't want to talk about it_.

He almost doesn't ask her, but a text from Emily asking him how it went changes his mind. After, he sends her a message saying that he's not asking her and she replied with a _you have to ask her! :) :) _Nervously, he wipes his hands on his pants and smiles at Spencer. A speech already planned his mind, all big and romantic, although he wouldn't be getting down on one knee. A conversation popping up in his mind about how Spencer never wanted any guy to draw such attention to something so personal.

But before he can even get the words out she spots the engagement box he's gripping tightly in his hand and gasps.

"No, no, no." She chokes out, shaking her head before fleeing the restaurant without a second thought, or so much as a glance in Toby's direction.

She explained later that it was all too much, a little too fast. They still had issues to work out, she never did mention it was because she didn't completely forgive him.

It takes him two more years to fully propose. This time he does get down on one knee, because it's in the privacy of their own home which they share _together_ and he declares an undying love for her type speech that makes her laugh.

And this time she says yes.

And maybe it's because she does forgive him, completely, one hundred freaking percent.

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**A\N: **I don't know what this even is. The update for I want it all will take decades longer, sorry to those who read it. If you don't, you should. And follow me on twitter? Pretty please? My username is daaisybuchanan


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